OK. So I tried this blog thing already once and it obviously didn't go over that well. Not in the sense that I didn't have any followers (which I didn't) but in the sense that I am not sure why I had a blog- I wasn't that into it, I was just rambling (nice ramblings however) on a lot of things (positive things) that were vague and, well, not that well enough engraved in me. As much as I am set on being "POSITIVE" I found that it was just as easy to turn away from what I know to be true and right, and to fall into old patterns (that were not so nice) the moment it was easiest to do.

Here are a few things I am going to put out there, that I likely should have wrote the first time (two years ago) that I started blogging. First and foremost, I am not a guru, or anything of the sorts. I am a regular person who sees the value in a different way of living. I have been into positive thinking for quite some time, but got really involved when I found myself living in a big city, far away. And by big city, I mean city, because I am from a very small town of like 14,000 people, all of whom I know. (I am only partially kidding here.)

As soon as I left I started a new way of thinking, a new way of living. It was so easy when I left all of my old patterns, routines, familiar places and familiar faces behind. Out in the "World of the New World" it was very easy to develop new ways of thinking and being, and to further develop all of the traits I had inside of me in my small town, just waiting to erupt. For a long time in my little old town, I had a belief system that I felt most others would consider "wishful thinking," "naïve optimism," or just plain "superstition." What is worse is that I didn't have faith in it. After all, there have been people on this planet a long time, if my Magical Belief system really was reality, then why hadn't others been lead down that path too?

Well, enter city life and people by the dozen and it turns out that I wasn't alone in my way of thinking. There are thousands of people out here who think like I do, and thousands more who I haven't even heard of I am sure, and there it was! Life showed me the Way! I thought I was on it! Well and I guess I still am because even with set backs-  I no longer doubt my belief system, the transformative power of the human mind, and the ever so creative and intelligent Universe that surrounds me.

However, now that I am back home, with the "same ol people" and the "same ol problems" I am finding it very hard to Let Go and go with the Flow.

I have found myself feeling hatred even for another person (with whom I will refer to as Tara,) This may not be that big of a deal, as I have been getting a LOT of "Well you can't like everyone" type of advice, but to me it is a huge sign that I still am far from where I thought I was on my path to WAKING up.

Having said that, I am also aware that there is nothing for me to do to Awaken, that it is not something to force, it is not something that comes with conditions, "You have to love everybody and never have a negative emotion in your life,  or you will never Wake Up bwahahahaha" and it is certainly not something I am getting from my accomplishments "you get to reach enlightenment when you have read 437 spiritual books, have gone on a silent meditation for 45 years, and no longer need food to give your body energy," and, as ridiculous as these statements seem, it can really feel like that.

So earlier this year, for most of the year, I found myself being not only hard on myself, but also hard on others (Damn Tara) and most importantly Completely Miserable! I have been so miserable that I haven't even been able to go back to my positive ways of living, telling myself "What is the point anyways." It was a kin to sitting in a dark room trying to find something, and then saying to yourself, "I know that I could turn on this Light and that would really help (me to find what I am searching for) but I really can't be bothered because if I can't find it in the dark,  it is not worth looking for in the light- you know, just to find out that you have been holding said object in your hand the whole time.

So, why bother turning on the light anyways then? I have been asking myself/the universe, and the message I got was clear and simple: It is more enjoyable. The Waking up can't be rushed, but the Going with the Flow can be a lot of fun, if you let it.

Two days ago I started a 365 day meditation with my dear friend Sara- who is across country- and I have some more fun changes that are on the way as well. Three days into my meditating and I already remembered why I love to write: Because I love to share.

The reason why I started this blog in the first place was to help others find more enjoyment in their lives, and instead I found myself hating my own life, and not writing anything of value. But it has become clear to me that it is time to change.

One last thing: My blogger name "Pollyanna Pinkelstein" is a name that came to me back in the MSN/ICQ days. I used it as my screen name for no reason other than it sounded catchy. And it stuck with me. When I decided to start a (semi) anonymous blog it came to me again. And it stuck Out at me. Which, when things happen like that, are usually of some significance. And I had been called Pollyanna a few times by people I knew didn't have my ICQ account...  so it got me thinking and I went to google.

I learned that Pollyanna is a term used when describing a "naively-optimistic" person, and was the tittle and name of a main character in a popular book. The character it the book played a game called the "Glad" game to find something to appreciate in everything. At first people do not take her seriously and think her to be naïve, but later the entire town can see the merit in playing the "Glad game." The name Pinkelstein is even weirder.

When I found out the meaning for Pollyanna I was astounded- and even more excited to find the meaning of Pinkelstein. Pinkelstein is the name of a stone in Austria that Mozart had apparently peed on. The very small town decided to name the rock Pinkelstein "Pee stone" and have been allegedly celebrating the day Mozart peed on the stone every since. Coming from a small town myself, I appreciate the making up of holidays and reasons to celebrate- when you are out of reasons to celebrate, why not find Anything, and celebrate that?

So... at the end of my extremely long and over due post, I would like to add that I am going to keep blogging more regularly, not just because I like to share, but primarily because I have decided to do whatever it is that I can to create the life that I want- and this blog is what I am using for accountability. 

And tomorrow is one of the Holidays we have made up in my own small town, and if I decide not to go out then perhaps I will go find some other reason to celebrate (Anything will do) and some other rad way of making my day way better than it would be without having first set that as my intention.

Also- I have decided to be truer to myself by choosing not to edit my posts- I am going to leave it raw as having a perfectly worded, grammatically correct blog was never my intention (although the capitals in odd seeming spaces are out of choice)

Blessings to all,
Even Tara

Pollyanna.